Happiness

They say happiness is a choice. I wouldn’t say I disagree, but I think it’s more accurate to say happiness is a skill.

From March of 2015 through June of 2016, I lived and worked in the LA area. I loathed it. It was hot, crowded, superficial, insincere, and a 16-month endless headache. I landed there with an epic fear. In fact, I panic-attacked my way across the country for five days, dreading my arrival. When I got there and developed a familiarity the fear was replaced by a brief period of excitement.  I’ll go see the Hollywood sign! I’ll check out some wineries! I’m going to be a tourist!

That ended. Quickly. I was isolated, lonely, lost, and unhappy. I won’t get into the details of the drudgery that is LA life, but it was a whole lot of terrible interspersed with brief moments of good. The trip to Hawaii was amazing and wouldn’t have been possible if I hadn’t been living in LA. There was that nice night at Dodgers Stadium. I was in some very beautiful homes. Disneyland was cute. The Wizarding World of Harry Potter was fun.

I woke up everyday in LA determined to make the choice to be happy. I failed. I threw myself into hobbies and then grew restless and walked away from them. I’d decide to go places and then get frustrated when I couldn’t park and would head home defeated. Eventually I just gave up, stopped trying, and waited it out. It wasn’t my finest hour.

Packing up and making my way back across the country with Dad proved to be the trip of a lifetime. We saw things we never would’ve otherwise seen. Arches National Park is gorgeous. Mt Rushmore is as stunning as you think it is. The Field of Dreams (which I visited on Father’s Day, with my father) was the most sentimental part of the trip. The house from A Christmas Story was the best. And bonus, at the end of the journey, I’d be home. I was happy again.

About two weeks after I got home, I was sent back to SoCal. I was furious, but not fearful. I knew what awaited me and I flew out of Bangor determined to keep a good attitude for the next four months.

This time, however, I’m not in LA. I’m in Orange County. Just a skip away from LA, the OC is a different world. There’s grass here! My new team greeted me warmly and with enthusiasm! (I should note that my LA team was wonderful, too. The misery of my prior situation was in no way related to them but as we all lived so far from each other, socializing was difficult.) Within 24 hours I realized this was going to be a totally different experience.

I’m in Santa Ana now, and I love it. I go places. I do things. I’m sewing again, and sometimes I meet coworkers for a beer and/or a baseball game. I can see grass and sky from my downtown apartment, and my neighbors hold elevators then make chitchat on the ride. My coworkers call and stop by, and make recommendations  (and send Groupons!) for places they think will interest me. I had a long, lovely conversation with a woman at the fabric store about our projects.

As much as you can try to choose happiness, you also have to realize which tools you need to get there. I’m a pretty decent seamstress but without a needle and thread, my talent is irrelevant.

So I believe happiness is a skill. Yes, you have to choose that skill, just as I chose to become better at sewing. But the talent in making yourself happy comes from recognizing what will get you there, and then pursuing it. (Though I don’t recommend deciding Brad Pitt will make you happy. He seems pretty settled.)

Of course there are things in my life I would change. Living so far from family is not ideal. But I know that will change soon, and I know that it’s not a barrier to embracing all the other things in this moment which are critical to my happiness foundation.

Recognizing what makes you happy is empowering. Working toward happiness is joyful. Appreciating the achievement of it is serene. Like an athlete who’s back on the field after a break in training, I’m reveling in this intoxicating feeling of once again doing something I’m good at. I’m good at being happy! And with a little practice, I can only get better! I have what I need, and I love what I have.

I’m happy.